You smell like a Billy Joel song
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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