I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
