Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
