My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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