It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize