there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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