Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
