The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dear god my vagina.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
