just come out here and I will go home with you...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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