i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
