Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize