So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
