meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
