He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
