3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
