I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
