Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
