Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
