so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
