Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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