If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
