My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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