A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
