Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
