My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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