I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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