everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
