Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize