i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
