You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
