I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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