I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
And then he peed in my hair
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
