I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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