you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
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