i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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