do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
