I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
one might say we're banned from that church
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
