She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
