you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
