Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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