i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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