Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
