I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
