when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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