she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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