Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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