i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize