Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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