He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
