the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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