I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
