Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
