Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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