So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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