U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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