I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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