One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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