On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
