When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
