If that was your dad, he is hot
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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