I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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