Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
