This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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