Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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